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I’ve posted before saying that it’s pretty iffy to call Second Life a game, but I finally was admitted to the Feted Inner Core and learned the Secret Rules from Conspiracy Linden, and it turns out it *is* a game! But I can’t keep the vow of secrecy they made me swear in a hidden cave deep underneath Welcome Island, and I’ll reveal as much as I can before they shut down my blog and take over my avatar with one of the covert personality police, who will use my account to assure everyone I was just kidding.

So here, before they come for me, are the secret rules that explain how to win a game of Second Life.

LEVEL ONE: SEXUAL ROLE PLAY
Everyone probably already knows that the first level of a game of Second Life involves BDSM role play, preferably as a Gorean kajira, but optionally as a ponygirl. Unconfirmed reports say that you also win this level as an erotic dancer/sex worker, but it has to be at one of the Feted Inner Core clubs, and I think this only works for men masquerading as women.

You complete this level when you’re taken as a pet or slave by a boss-level master or mistress and simultaneously please them and three other pets, all while bound completely immobile and hidden under a coffee table.

LEVEL TWO: ENTREPRENEUR
There are many ways to win this level, but each method of winning has only a certain number of slots. The Entrepreneur wins for slutty, assembly-line minidresses were already used up by early 2006, and the wins for flexi hair before the end of that year. You probably noticed when the “corporate consultant” spots dried up earlier this year. The up-and-coming categories are virtual animal trainer and virtual babysitter. You must earn $L1,000,000 to complete this level.

LEVEL THREE: SLEBRITY
At level three, you are artificially elevated to huge popularity through a secret pact with Google. People swarm your club or store and comment energetically on your blog (although many of the commenters are plants, of course!). You are given secret avatar tweaks that allow you to be more beautiful than other avatars have the technical means to achieve. Sometimes players will sabotage each other at this level by revealing each others’ identities to First Life spouses, bosses, or nemeses. You win this level by being cited as a major figure in Second Life by a major First Life media outlet. The National Enquirer does count.

LEVEL FOUR: LINDEN
Once you win Level Three, you’re automatically offered a position at Linden Lab, where you’ll face the most terrible challenges in the game. The helpful Resis who forced you to do unmentionable things at level one, bought your prim underwear products at level two, and clamored for your friendship at level three now turn on you, calling for contradictory changes and demanding you implement them immediately. To win this level, you must please all of the resis.

Nobody has won yet.

(Currently Torley’s in the lead. Philip Linden got close at one point but then started to lose ground and finally dropped out of the game. He currently has a new alt at kajira level.)

^^^\ Kate /^^^

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