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I admit, I sometimes play the “Who’s Really a Boy?” guessing game. That’s a bad name for it: I should really probably call it the “Whose First Life Self Is a Man?” game, but that doesn’t have the same sparkle. 🙂
Do you play? I suspect most people do at one time or another. One thing that Second Life has demonstrated to the world is that there are a surprising number of males who for one reason or another will walk around in female guise if it’s easy and anonymous – which in Second Life, it is.
It’s tempting for me to think that I understand gender differences so well that I can pick up on the subtlest cues and tell for certain the First Life gender of any Second Life resi. Maybe it’s tempting for you, too. After all, identifying physical gender is a real knee-jerk reaction for humans. What’s usually the first question we ask about a baby when it’s born? What’s the main way stores categorize adult clothing? If we’re looking for a date, what’s most people’s most basic requirement? We’re driven to sort people into genders. I guess it’s natural for us, then, knowing that people have First Life genders as well as Second Life genders, to try to figure out if those two lives match, in the same way we would automatically separate our dessert from our mashed potatoes on a dinner plate.
Cowgirl Barbie in pink plaid outfit: First Life man candy?
There are two main problems with the game, though. First, if someone wants to have a Second Life identity with a different age or gender or skin color or personality than their First Life identity, isn’t it unkind to try to interfere with that, even mentally? And second, there’s hardly any way to tell for sure based solely on what a person says or how they present themselves virtually.
Let me repeat that for emphasis, because I think it’s easy to imagine that we’ve figured out someone’s First Life gender for sure based on what they say: there’s no way to tell for sure.
Sure, when I play the game, certain things tip me off and tend to make me mentally mark someone down in the “First Life boy” or “First Life girl” column. For instance, very girly avatars usually go down in my “First Life boy” column on the guess that they’re overcompensating, using a cartoon version of femininity because they don’t understand actual femininity. Second Life women who never wear pants, for instance, or who have names like Bambi, tend to go in my boy column. But really there are girls who are excessively girly in both lives, so that’s not truly a way to know.
Another thing that tends to make me guess “First Life boy” is an obsession with typically boy things, like Lingerie Model-Style Virtual Lesbianism, or weapons. But there are women in First Life who like extremely feminine female lovers, and there are women in First Life who like weapons. And sometimes women do things that fit male “sexy woman” stereotypes specifically because males latch onto them. If you can get men to salivate over you by being Lara Croft, there are women who will take that route.
So yes, I have my mental lists of First Life genders, but when I’m thinking clearly I also realize that my lists might be completely wrong. Actually, every once in a while someone offers me specific information about themselves that makes it clear I have them in the wrong column. And I like to think I’m unusually clever with gender issues. I suppose the reality checks help build character!
Have you run across “Every Woman Knows” tests, those quick interrogations that some people suppose will reveal First Life gender? It turns out they’re not very useful, but here’s what I mean: in the general population, there are certain questions that very few males could answer in detail and virtually any adult female could, like “Describe your last pap smear” or “What kinds of feminine hygeine products do you use, and when?”
If someone’s being given one of these tests and they really want to prove they’re a woman, they might answer questions like that, but other people might be insulted and not answer, which of course would “prove” they don’t know and are therefore “really a man”…or they might have to run off and take care of a baby who just woke up, then answer when they get back, making the asker think they were using the web to get their information and are therefore “really a man”. Or they might answer correctly off the bat even if they’re male, because they’re observant or have done some research. These kinds of questions are just plain rude, since the only reason to ask them would be because the asker thinks they have a right to know someone’s First Life gender and won’t believe the answer to a direct question.
I probably don’t even need to point out that voice (unless used a lot) and especially pictures are no proof of gender. Any male with a willing female friend can “have a female voice,” and any male at all can get his hands on a picture of a woman.
I’m not even tackling the question of First Life women who have Second Life male avatars. They’re rarer, and I bet they almost always go unnoticed because so few people expect that kind of a switch…and even fewer seem to care! What’s interesting to me about having a cross-gender avatar is that even though the male gender has a number of explicit, obvious advantages, like higher average wages for the same job, a laxer standard for appearance, and a greater likelihood of being taken seriously, apparently there are a lot more men who feel they’re missing out by not being female than the other way around.
There are advantages to being female, of course! Though some of them are subtle. But men seem to specifically pick up on the advantages of being female and “attractive,” because there don’t seem to be nearly as many men who are interested in being female when they don’t get to match whatever their standard is for physical beauty. This seems to be true even though the greatest advantages (I think) of being female – not being looked down on for sharing emotions, having closer social bonds, and being “allowed” to express friendship and love more freely – have nothing to do with how cute we are.
In the men’s defense, though, not very many First Life women seem to be interested in being unattractive by their standards in Second Life, either.
In the end, whether we’re talking about males or females in First Life or Second, whether we’re talking about people who are the same gender in both lives or not, since there are very few ways to really know for certain that someone is one particular gender, and because there’s so much to be gained from a society where people are able to be who they want to be, ultimately I think the “Who’s Really a Boy” game can cause a lot more harm than good. But it’s too automatic a response to ever imagine that people won’t play it. The game can make many people who maintain privacy about their First Life nervous about having to prove their gender identity, leading to more conformity and fear and secrecy.
But it also opens up a special avenue for trust and kindness, because anyone who proves that they’re more interested in a person’s heart and mind than the contents of their First Life underthings can prove their willingness to offer friendship and support in a way that isn’t available in First Life. “I like you and I’m comfortable for you to be whoever you want to be” is a powerful message in any world.
^^^\ Kate /^^^
The Winged Girl Blog 
I’ve never counted virtual gender as being any relation to RL gender – never particularly cared, either, heh – since I change avatars as often as most people change their socks 🙂 and have transgendered friends (who pick a virtual gender to match the “true self”).
It’s sometimes easier to spot male vs. female by choice of language (speech mannerisms, not whether or not they speak english) and expression of language.
The only time I give a rat’s ass is when someone decides to use lame pickup lines like “nice t—, wanna f—?” or is, erm, wearing their anatomy on the outside of their clothing. 🙂
Rest of the time, meh. *shrugs*
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Trying to “peg” my gender…
Wears pants – yes. Wears a ladies’ Thorn .45 with rose garter on her right thigh – yes. Often wears a “Knitting” teeshirt in sl. (Stich and Bitch, baby :)) Often has a toucan on her shoulder. Has little but contempt for whining males in sl or anywhere else, and publicly skewers them with complete glee. Loves her sl cat, her sl garden, her sl catamaran. Yeah – I’m female 🙂
By the way – as for “chick tests”? I ask first – then ask them to identify a “mystery object”: an eyelash curler. This appears similar enough to something else… that men “know” what it is… but women really know what it is. Deadly test. Has produced several crises… use with caution.
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“But there are women in First Life who like extremely feminine female lovers, and there are women in First Life who like weapons. ”
And there are women in first life and SL who like tough, independent women too. Which can manifest in SL as a preoccupation with guns, vehicles, etc. I have an SL lover who is that way, and sure, I have had some doubts, but the thing that makes fairly certain she’s a she is less tangible. She has a RL little sister, and the way she talks about her (having been a little sister to a big sister myself) just seems very real. But in the end, I practice ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ and stay away from 7 foot tall, blingy big-breasted blondes.
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I’ve actually met more women with male alts than men with female alts, but I had to stop keeping track because it just got too weird.
Several of the men-traveling-as-females that I’ve talked to for any length of time, confess to living out rezbian girl-on-girl fantasies using their porn star barbies. I mean whatever floats your boat, right? I just – yeah, what the above commenter said. Stay away from the obvious attention seekers no matter what gender they’re wearing.
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Re: Guessing game
Wow, that’s a pretty fascinating idea! Does anyone know anyone who has tried this? I’d love to interview them, anonymously or not!
^^^\ Kate /^^^
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I personally see gender as more of a social construct than a biological imperative. Yes, there are certain differences, but I think those differences are amplified and sometimes a bit twisted by what society keeps telling us those differences mean. I mean, if we’re irretrievably wired by our sexual biology, then why do we still have people who chide men for being ‘sissies’ or women for being ‘unladylike’? Surely, if these things are ‘innate’ then we wouldn’t need societal pressure to hold these notions in place.
Obviously, I’m a big fan of SL’s ability to explore different gender roles (even though, as I often say, the only thing that really changes when I’m in boyshape is what pronoun I use when I emote.) Even in the primitive days of BBSs and such, I sometimes took a male name to see if I’d be treated any differently. (I was. Funnily enough, when I was male, I was seen as contentious, whereas when I was female, I was seen as bringing new insights to the conversation. At one point, I revealed myself as female and some of my detractors fell over themselves to apologize and make sure that no harm was done when they flamed me. Then again, this was back in the days when girls on computers were fewer and farther in between than they are today.)
I only get annoyed with people who bend gender when they actively and repeatedly lie about their sexual identity in RL. The correct answers, in my book, are (a) the truth or (b) the fact that it’s really nobody’s business anyway. If you keep insisting you’re really a girl in RL and it’s painfully obvious that you aren’t in any way, you’re just embarrassing yourself. Knock it off.
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well, I mainly have an opposite gender avatar because its more interesting to me. I don’t want to be female in rl, but the chance to walk around as a female temporarily would be a pretty fascinating experience. SL is a chance to experience in some small way and that’s the main reason I have an opposite gender avatar. Its also helped me overcome a bit of my introversion.
However I will say that to some degree my avatar is eye candy, but I try to make her tasteful eyecandy and not slutty teenage boy wet dream eyecandy. As far as the never wearing pants thing goes, guilty as charged, but not because I’m overcompensating for lack of rl femininity (I actually act pretty much the same in sl). I just find dresses and skirts more attractive.
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Imagine this, a friend calls and says she’s going to (another) friend’s party and would you like to come too? “Great – let’s go” you say.
When you get there the host comes over to say hi to your friend and you get introduced. The host’s avatar is gorgeous – she’s wearing tight jeans, boots, and a checkered shirt which is stretched tight across her ample bosum. “How the hell are you? she says to you. “Thanks for coming, and here, get this into your guts” she says handing you an enormous glass of beer.
OK. Hands up who thinks our host is really a guy? I mean come on – who says “get this into your guts”??
All decided?
This was a true story and it was me who was handed the beer.
The catch? It was in RL and the birthday girl was indisputably all woman (and very, very drunk). It’s just that we had gone out to a moderately small country town about 5 hours drive away and arrived well after the party had started. This was my first experience with country people (and was about 20 years ago) and how they speak and act differently from city people (like me).
So what I want to say with this is; People are different everywhere, they think, speak and act differently to us everywhere you go, and when we play the “is she a guy?” game we are basing it entirely on *our* backgrounds. In my case a white, middle class, Australian, city living background. But even here in my city there are great differences from area to area in the way people act and speak.
I have trouble understanding a lot of American culture and English is my first language – so does anyone think they can judge someone who may not even have English as a first language and whose social customs and norms are completely different to yours. For example, did you know that in Australia we tend to dress casually during the day and dress up to go out at night, whereas in Germany they dress up in the day and go casual at night?
I confess sometimes I have played the “Who’s Really a Boy?” game but now I stop myself. I think it leads to anxiety, a loss of trust and “nothing good”(tm). But I also admit that I have no intention of, or desire to meet anyone from SL in RL. My RL is more than full so I have a luxury and perhaps less pressure to know than others may.
But, I have a better game for everyone – and it’s one I’ve been playing for a few days now: “If she said that in SL would people think she was a guy?”.
I keep coming up with situations where the answer could be “yes”.
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Great post, hon. 🙂
^^^\ Kate /^^^
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just a boy/girl thing
I’m a guy that primarily walks as a woman in world. To be honest I don’t consider myself Transgender (It’s a fantasy but I doubt I’d ever go farther than MAYBE occasional crossdressing). The biggest reason for me is the fact that I started in sl as a guy and frankly I wasn’t enjoying it. I found it hard to “denoob”, it became quickly apparent that I would be better able to support myself inworld as a girl (just too broke atm to spend rl money into sl, and I was meeting all the same kinds of people I would’ve met in rl. Mostly gamers and sci-fi geeks that got into stupid arguments(Kirk vs Spock, Halo vs Doom etc.) I almost left sl out of frustration with it’s sameness.
I decided to try sl as a girl before I gave up on it. I found almost instantly that it was a lot more fun for me. I didn’t have to just be ME (though she IS almost frighteningly close to my rl persona sometimes). I liked dressing up and having guys hit on me, even if I didn’t intend for it to go anywhere.
Just for the record I AM rather model like in appearance but I can blame my first online gf/mistress for that one. I had a slightly more realistic shape (I thought) and she made my current one. I still wear it because nothing else looks right anymore.
I wear dresses, and skirts 95% of the time and heels 100% but a large part of that is cuz I think it simply looks better than painted on jeans.
I have had relationships and/or one night stands with several avs of both genders and simply don’t care what they’re “true” gender is. If they want to reveal that then fine but I never ask and neither have they. The few people in sl that DO know my true gender have told me that if they hadn’t known they wouldn’t have been able to tell(though they could always be blowing smoke up my butt. lol)
Simply put it’s better to just treat people as whatever gender they choose to present themselves as. It saves a lot of stress and makes things funner.
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Wow, this really caught up with me last night.
I created a male avatar in Second Life because of the role-playing I planned to do (a woman just did not fit the role). Several months later, an acquaintance gifted me with a cute female form I couldn’t resist. I integrated “her” into “his” story, and now I role-play both, with a suitable explanation in my profile. I should point out I am straight in RL, and not at all interested in “cyber” in a male form in SL.
A couple of months ago, while in female form, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”, as the song goes. This has lead me to a fair amount of lesbian experimentation in SL. In general, the girls have been fun to talk with, fun to dance with, and sometimes I’ve been brave enough to make love with them. Some of the girls I have met have commented on my profile, but I never got a negative response. I tend to be very shy and many of my “cybers’ have involved dancing and using our brains, rather than anything overt. And yes, I have encountered a few lesbians I was fairly sure were guys.
So, a couple of nights ago, I was hanging out in my favorite lesbian skybox, waiting for a friend to show up or someone to notice me. I was sitting there, just enjoying the ambiance, when I was quite literally attacked in IM. “Wasn’t I at all ashamed to be somewhere I was not wanted?” she asked. I looked around and couldn’t even see who it was to was talking to me. Her profile said she was German and a lesbian in SL and RL, but I never did spot her. After my initial shock, I answered, “You know, I’ve been coming here for a couple of months, and no one has ever objected to my presence.” “Well”, she said, “they obviously never read your profile, and with you just appearing as a white cloud they don’t know you.” I said, “On the contrary, several have read my profile, and I’m sorry I’m lagging so much tonight. Normally I have no trouble rezzing.” At this point, she quit talking and would not respond to anything else I said. I was pretty shaken up, so I left.
Last night, I tried to teleport to the skybox, and I was immediately bounced back home by the skybox security script. I had been banned! Without a word, without any attempt to find out my side of the story, with no indication of why…. I was heartsick. I couldn’t decide if I should cry my eyes out or if I wanted to find that b*tch and pull her oh-so-lesbian hair out!
So here I am, cut off from my experiences, my friends, my lovers. I don’t know if I dare try to go back to the skybox again … I would hate to have my avatar permanently booted from SL. I don’t know how to contact the owners of the skybox to make any kind of a plea. I feel helpless.
The worst part is the attitude this woman expressed. She was judge, jury and executioner. She displayed the level of intolerance and hatred I would expect from a fundie Christian. It didn’t matter whether I had done anything to her or anyone else; my mere “male essence” was enough to condemn me.
Yeah, I could create an alt that is female, and avoid all the drama and anxiety. No. I was enjoying balancing my male and female aspects, and I’m not going to give that up. But this hurt. She might as well have ripped out my heart and stomped on it.
Sorry for the rant. I think I’ll go have that cry now…
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